Thursday, January 29, 2009

The Obsessed Twilight Fan's Guide: Recruiting New Twilighters

Written By: Crystal
Cullen Boys Anonymous
**Author Note: Just a reminder that this is for fun. The examples given are over exaggeration of my personal encounters with people that I have tried to convert to the fabulous world of Twilight. Nothing written is this blog is meant to be disrespectful to Twilighters, Stephenie Meyer or if you happen to be or know someone that falls under one of these categories. I mean HELLO I am a Twilight Addict!!

As a Twilight fan and an obsessed Twilight fan at that, I feel it is my responsibility to share with the world the blessing that is the Twilight Saga. Short of buying the books in bulk and going door to door to sing my praises of Twilight, I have tried everything. Talking to strangers, buying the books for people and finally making up my own religion (which still remains nameless but for some reason has Twilight Voodoo gods that have on occasion answered my Twilight prayers. *strange*

The Obsessed Twilight Fan's Guide: Recruiting New Twilighters is broken down into personality traits. Just find a stereo type for your potential recruit and work your magic. I have added Power Phrases to help you be encouraging to the new Twilighter.

Teen Boys
This is really the easiest type of recruit. Girls, girls, girls, yourapproach with a teen boy should speak to his hormones. You will not even have to get into the details of the books. Just advise him to walkEVERYWHERE with the books in plain sight, he will not even need toapproach the girls because they will come to him. Remind him that he will need to actually read the books in order to have a conversation with the said girls.
Power Phrase: These books are chick magnets...your nights of World of Warcraft are over buddy.

The Non-Reader
Non-Readers can be difficult but it is not impossible. These people usually have hobbies outside of reading, and what do you need in order to have a hobby? That's right you need money. So offer the Non-Reader $20 to read Twilight. They will do it $20 goes a long way in the galaxy of yarn, pipe cleaners and hot glue guns. Once they have read Twilight they will be addicted just like the rest of us and there is a 95% chance that they will even give you back your money with interest as a thank you for getting them out of the local Michaels on Friday nights.
Power Phrase: I will give you $20 to read Twilight. Think about how many glue sticks you could buy with that money.

Emo Girls
Emo girl is going to take a lot of restraint on your part. You can not let her know how excited you are about the books. Any show of happiness will instantly turn her off. You will need to focus on Edward’s inter turmoil or Bella in her dark place when Edward leaves. Please leave out any part of the book that holds any joyfulness and cheer.
Power Phrase: This book was so emotional it was like deep.

These people can not get away from you, they are forced to share yourspace. Just keep talking about Twilight until you break them down. Theaverage co-worker will give-in in two weeks or so. Then they will become great allies in the mission of converting new Twilighters. Remember people follow the leader so be the leader in your office when it comes to the saga.
Power Phrase: Have you read Twilight yet? Hey, have I told you aboutTwilight? Okay so there is this part in Twilight... You get the point.

If you are shy you are going to need to get over it real quick. Strangers are a great target. I personally like to take the stalker approach with them. Just pick your favorite book store, I like Borders, they have a huge selection of Twilight gear for me to browse while I am waiting for my prey. When someone stops to look at the Twilight display ask them if they have read the books. Remember not to be creepy or too fanatical. If they say no then proceed to tell them that you just started the series and you really like it and would recommend it. They will bite. I mean they are at a book store looking for a new book to read, after all.
Power Phrase: Yeah I heard these books were really good. I myself juststarted reading them. Reminder: DON’T BE CREEPY.

It is hard to believe but there are many people out there that will not read Twilight because they think it is scary. You will need to use a little brain washing technique on them. Remind them over and over that the books are not really about vampires but it is a love story about vegetarians and large puppy dogs. Talk about Esme a lot she is not scary at all.
Power Phrase: Don't be silly this book is not really about vampires. It is a modern day love story. (Smile big and look innocent)

Macho Man
Macho man will be your biggest challenge. If you are new to the Twilight fandom I do not recommend taking him on alone. You will need to have your Twilight game at 110%. Think manly man and don’t give too much information. Keep it simple only talk about fight scenes and for Breaking Dawn you can mention that Bella wears sexy lingerie. You will have to coax them to continue reading, because even though it my seem that he is running on only one brain cell the are really intuitive when it comes to “chick” stuff, a.k.a. they don’t want to be caught doing it. They fear you are breaking down the manly fa├žade they have worked so hard at the gym to build. Handle their ego with care.
Power Phrase: This book has a killer fight scene. You are almost there, just keep reading. Yeah yeah it is right after that. By the way I have not noticed until now but you bicep looks huge when you hold that book.

Your Arsenal
  • Always have loner books on hand. As a true addict you should have the saga in hardback, you are not required to use your good books as loners. All paperback versions of Twilight should be in rotation with friends and family reading them. They must return the book to you immediately after finishing it or pass it on to another recruit.
  • Be ready to defend the books. People will attack you for loving sparkly vampires. Remember you attract more bees with honey than vinegar. Kill them with kindness.
  • Remember to feed your addiction. How can you be effective in recruiting if you are losing your obsession? So find a group of friends that feel the same as you. If you are lacking in the Twilight loving friend area of your life join a forum on a Twilight fan site, and might I suggest (shameless plug.)
Good luck obsessed Twilighter! Go forth and may the Twilight Voodoo gods be with you as you spread the news about Twilight to all corners of the world.
Did I leave some one out?? Add your own advice for recruiting a new Twilighter in our comments.


photochic820 said...

OME!!! I have done several of these listed things and not surprisingly...they have worked!!
Great blog!!!

PM said...

"Always have loner books on hand. As a true addict you should have the saga in hardback, you are not required to use your good books as loners. All paperback versions of Twilight should be in rotation with friends and family reading them. They must return the book to you immediately after finishing it or pass it on to another recruit."

Oh Crystal, this is soo true.
C, You get me, you really get me!

HarleyQuinn said...

Oh man. I have totally converted half of my work into Twilightism. So much so that some of them are accompanying me to AccioCon in Orlando. We are getting a limo and going to the Forks Prom! :)

I've even gotten a couple of guys (straight guys) to read them and they actually enjoy reading them. I have succeeded!!!

Anonymous said...

I have won over many of the "co- worker" and my mom is the "scaredy-cat"...but she's giving it a try and liking it so far!!